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1.Normalize the challenge
Let’s get one thing straight: this double mental load is tough—and that’s totally normal. “It’s often (if not always) exhausting, and tricky to manage,” says Valérie Rocoplan. “And it’s perfectly okay to say so. There’s no need to fear anyone’s judgment.”
Acknowledging the struggle is crucial because it shapes how we experience it. “These days, careers stretch over many years, and once we’ve cared for our kids, we then have to look after our parents,” the business coach adds. “The mental load should be seen as part of everyday life. Something we manage, talk about, and above all, share.” That’s as long as you start by negotiating with yourself about your expectations on how parenthood is represented in society.
2. Lower your standards
There are no prizes for being the perfect parent. “There’s been a surprising resurgence of the ‘super parent’ ideal from the 1970s,” says Valérie Rocoplan. It’s as if we’re pressuring ourselves to juggle a career, run a household and be an expert on kids’ birthday parties.
“We talk about this especially with young women and women in general: this obligation to be perfect women, perfect mothers, perfect managers,” the EVE speaker shares. “It’s time to ask ourselves: how we can bring our relationship with perfection back to a more reasonable level?” Do my standards match my reality? Do I have to give so much of myself to everything? “For 80% of the people I work with, it’s often themselves setting goals that just don’t match what’s physically doable,” admits Valérie Rocoplan. “Could it be time to start lowering the standards we set for ourselves?”
3. Communicate more
It bears repeating that good communication is key. “When things get tough, it often becomes clear that there were no earlier conversations between partners—or even with kids—about what might or might not be possible,” the specialist explains. But whatever the setup, it has to be balanced. Parents shouldn’t have to sacrifice themselves for their children. “We can establish priorities as a family, then use those to set the rules,” advises Valérie Rocoplan. Since both mom and dad work, how can we make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible? How can you set boundaries when working from home to truly be present without feeling overwhelmed?
For the couple too, this requires in-depth discussions about what a career means to each person, what ambition means. “It’s not just about how we organize our daily lives, but also how we envision them,” recommends the professional coach. “Because conflicts of values can form at this point.” Those conflicts need to be identified so that the family can find common ground that will suit everyone.
4. Negotiate with your employer
Once you’ve thought about it properly and talked things through with your family, the next step is to negotiate with your employer. They need to know you are going to achieve the objectives you have set together. “This is the time to check that your objectives are attainable and to ensure that you are working in the right conditions for success,” explains Valérie Rocoplan. “Show that you are committed, but that your job needs to fit with your family life. Establish some ground rules with your employer on which both parties agree.” Maybe that means no weekend work or no emails after 7 p.m. “Show commitment but on terms that respect your life outside work,” says the coach. In other words, finding a win-win agreement that works for everyone.
5. Making space for fun in your schedule
Finally, one last piece of advice to ease your mental load: “Think about your own needs when you’re working on your schedule!”, says Valérie Rocoplan. Because taking time for yourself is essential. Not just for your own well-being, but for those around you too, at work and at home.
Parents tend to see the daily grind through the lens of obligation rather than enjoyment. “That’s what makes the load feel so heavy. Of course, it’s not about chasing every whim no matter what (this is still real life), but more about rethinking how you organize your day-to-day.” For example, how long has it been since I’ve had a rest? Can I let go on weekends? Let the children play alone for a while? The idea to keep in mind is to make some time for yourself while juggling all these responsibilities; don’t forget yourself completely.”
Elise Assibat, for the EVE web magazine
